Last night I had a dream.  Not a sexy dream, but a dream about my mom's surgery.  In my dream I was at the hospital and it was 8:30am - the scheduled time of her surgery - but she was all finished.  The doctors had started early and it only took 20 minutes to complete.  It went so well they discharged her immediately and sent her home!  Exciting, right?  Until we are at my parents house and there is none of the appropriate after care items.  They weren't expecting her to come home so early and so nothing had been delivered.  Total freak out ensues in dream and then I wake up....

So what did I learn from my dream?  That I am not so much worried about the actual surgery but VERY concerned about her rehab.  Because of this dream I was pretty calm all day and not freaked out about anything going wrong during the procedure.  Luckily for me, and my dream, that was actually what occurred.  Very routine and not as bad as the doctor had thought from looking at the MRI's.  Hooray!

I learned some stuff today....

1.  My sister is wonderful.  She awoke at 3am to make the drive to their house to try to arrive prior to the surgery.  She didn't quite make it but she stayed at the hospital all day and is currently sleeping in a chair in my mom's room.  She is awesome.

2.  My mom is hilarious when she is stoned out of her mind on pain meds.  Some of the funny stuff she said ....
     "I am really feeling good from these meds"  Me: "Oh yeah?  I bet you haven't been this high since the Sixties"  Mom:  "Nope, not since the Sixties!"
     To the guy delivering her dinner "You are so good looking!  I can say that cuz I am a little old lady.  Little old ladies can say these things.  Sorry, I am a little messed up from the pain medicine.  BUT you are still cute!"
     "I woke up and didn't know the time.  I thought we had to leave for the hospital.  Sister told me no, you're already here.  I asked How?  Did you teleport me?"
     After I had to put her on hold for a moment and I came back on the line....Mom (all excited) "There was music playing while I waited!"  Me: "Really?  What kind?"  Mom: "It was JAZZ!  You have to tell the husband your phone can do that!"  At this point I realize she thinks I'm on my cell and not the landline at work so I say "Mom, this is my work phone not my cell phone that's why there is music"  Mom:  "Well, it was still really, really nice music"

3.  Even though he doesn't always show it explicitly, my dad really loves my mom.  He had to leave before she was able to have visitors and when he talked to my sister he asked if he could talk to mom yet.  She was sleeping at the time.  He told sister "When she wakes up tell her I love her and I will see her tomorrow."  Pretty monumental for dad, I think I was 25 before I heard and unsolicited "I love you" from him.

So, overall, even though it sucks she had to have her hip replaced I learned some really great things that helped but a smile on my face and lift a bit of this load from my shoulders.

I love my family.

Not sure if tonight is the best night to start blogging again but I suppose when you have worry on your mind writing about it can help eliminate it from your head and heart....

Tomorrow morning my mom is having her hip replaced and well I am kind of scared and worried.  Not so much for the surgery but for the recovery afterward.  I know this will help eliminate her pain but I just want her to be the same as before all this started.  It also worries me because it makes me realize her age.  I don't know if I am ready for her to be old enough for a hip replacement...

I love my mother immensely and I want her to be okay.  More than anything I just want her to be okay.  I love you mommy with all my heart!

Lately I have been sturuggling with my views on life.  Not my outward world views but my personal feelings about myself and my place in this crazy topsy turny place we call life.  It has been a difficult time for me and I am trying to plow through my thoughts and feelings about the direction of my life.  Am I having an existential crisis?  To be honest, I am not sure.  I don't feel like I am having a crisis of identity...more like a disagreement with myself about my place of worth in my world and how I relate to those around me.  I have taken to questioning my thoughts and motives.  I have this running internal dialogue about my actions or probably more accurately, my inactions.  I have deep feelings of shame about any inaction in my life.  I get mad at myself - "Suck it up!  Get through it .  There are people in this world with real problems"  But the thing is, to me, these problems are real.  It is a real delimma of conscience and accountability.  If I have to self police, I find myself erring on the side of inactivity.  Just put if off and block it out to deal with tomorrow.  But tomorrow tends to bring the same cycle of inaction.  And it is frustrating.  I feel as if I sabotage myself.  I do not believe, for some unfounded reason, that I am worthy of success.  And that, perhaps, is the most troubling part of my delimma.  I find myself feeling as though I am a whiner and weakling.  There is no NEED for any of this.  It is an attempt to full fill a self imposed view that has no merit, no founding.  As I work on a resolution to this I will be here more.  And unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for my self, I will try to work out these internal arguments on this page.  Since I know that no one reads this I find it to be a good and safe place to knock out the mental blocks I have forced apon myself.  If you do come across this page, please be patient and understanding of the self indulgent nature off my posts as I hope they will lead to a better understanding of my mind and my feelings.  Thank you in advance :)

Hello loyal reader!  That would be me...so HI back atcha.  I seem to come back here when there are a lot of things going on in the world.  They could be good or bad or funny things but mostly I seem to return to this page when there are things happening that I simply cannot bear to discuss in a normal conversation.  Right now there are several things that are transpiring in the world.  I will try to break this down in an intelligent fashion but I warn you now it might be long winded. 

First I would like to address the strike happening in Chicago with all the teachers.  Actually, it is not the strike so much but one of the reasons that the teachers are striking.  So with out further ado, let's talk about the glamorous world of standardized tests.  I have a little story for you....

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away I was a college student.  And as a college student I was hard up for some cash.  To remedy this I got myself a little job in the afternoons grading/scoring standardized tests.  Now I can't recall the ages of the kiddos whose tests I was scoring but I can recall some details about the job.  A bunch of adults of assumed mental intelligence sat around a big table reading stacks and stacks of test booklets.  It was our responsibility to score fairly the booklets we were given.  That meant deciphering the childish scrawl of responses jotted down in these booklets.  And how did we determine what was correct and incorrect?  Well that, my dear friends in fairy tale land. is an answer that has caused me to write this long winded narrative...  We had to use PERSONAL JUDGEMENT!  Yes, some potentially hung over, high on life and power, snot nosed college student is in charge of determining whether or not a strange child from a strange state was displaying some level of cognitive ability.  Lets just make a very long story short and say that my personal experience as a "scorer" is one reason I do not agree with using students test scores to rate the ability of a teacher.

I don't believe it does our education system any justice to have teachers "teaching to a test" in order to keep their jobs.  And that is why, if asked, I would say I have to agree with the teachers. 

Moving on....

Some person of, let's call it very poor judgement, decided to make a film trashing Islam.  And not just the Muslims of the world but the actual cornerstone of their religion.  Now the person lives in the U.S. and has every right under the tenets of our constitution to make whatever type of film they want but (and I hate putting a but on this) they seemed to forget that we are all members of the internet age and anything you put out there can be seen by anybody.  It was reckless in my opinion.  Akin to yelling "FIRE" in a crowded theater and then standing off to the side as people trample one another.  And guess what!  There were riots and storming of U.S. embassies in foreign nations AND worst of all DEATHS!  People were killed!  For fucks sake look outside of your own little universe and try to see how your actions have the potential to effect others.  Its not hard, its called not being a selfish prick. 

Finally,

Tuesday marked eleven years that have passed since several thousand souls were lost in an attack on our nation.  It was a sad day and a day of reflection.  I will say I indulged myself in looking at the photos and reading the stories.  I did not do this on year ten.  I don't know why I chose to do it this year.  I could still remember exactly the sequence of events that played out as I came to realize the horror that was occurring in NYC.  I still pray, time to time, for the families and friends of the survivors. 

So that ends my missive on the ills of the world.  I will see you next time.  Same blog page, same blog channel.

There is a lot of talk at the moment about gun laws.  In the wake of some serious shooting in the United States many people are questioning why civilians are allowed to purchase guns and ammo that rival that of police and military.  I have to be honest and say I do not know much about guns.  I don't know how to shoot, I don't have a permit and I can count the number of time I have held a gun on one hand.  I am nowhere near educated on this subject.  I am however a believer in personal responsibility and accountability.  I also believe in our constitution.

What exactly does this mean?  I believe in the constitution and personal responsibility?  It means, dear readers (if you exist), that we need to hold firm to our ability as grown individuals to know right from wrong.  It also means that we need to stop thinking controlling every little nuance of our lives will make everything okay.  Do we truly think that making more rules will keep people from doing bad things?  There are how many billions of people on this planet?  We can't all be Susie Sunshine and Polly Anna.  Some of us are going to be the Devil incarnate.  That is just the way it is.

Stricter gun laws will NOT stop people from killing others.  Period.  Sorry but it is true.  If someone really wants to harm others they will find a way to do it.  Look at people who work in hospitals that purposely infect others with disease or do mercy killing.  They have no gun...  Or people who make homemade bombs...  Do we outlaw fertilizer?  No, we have to just accept that at some point on any given day something bad is going to happen.  Its the law of averages.

Its been a minute...sorry bout that mates...anyhoo...  I'm sitting here watching the Olympics (USA!  USA!!!) and I am struck by the unabashed patriotism that engulfs our nation at the mere thought of winning a medal.  I find it fascinating and touching that we can come together over such a wide variety of sports - handball, water polo, diving...well you get the picture.  I am simultaneously proud and humbled by their achievements.  Thank you atheletes for your hardwork, dedication, and sacrifice. 

God Bless You and Good Luck!

Completely random but I am wondering if all the blogs left on Blogger are either Christian or cancer related...I just viewed about thirty random blogs (Thank you next blog button) and all but maybe 2 were about the above topics. Maybe I should switch to Tumblr? Jay-Z and Beyonce use it....just sayin....

Ah Fox News you simultaneously make we laugh and vomit - a very tricky task to master, you don't want to shoot puke out your nose.

So why the graphic image? It is in response to Liz Trotta. You know that lady who said "Women in the military shouldn't be surprised they are being raped" I often am shocked, appalled, and amused by the stuff that comes out of people's mouths on these 24 hour news channels. Not just Fox mind you but all of them. Fox just happens to have a more people on as guests whose views are so opposite mine I wonder if we are both from the human race. I more often than not take huge issue with the comments and commentary I find on Fox BUT I do respect their right to have a differing opinion and therefore rarely comment directly about the network. However since finding this clip from Liz's interview I simply cannot keep my mouth shut. I would like to say I gave her the benefit of the doubt and watched the whole interview as I realize offensive sound bites are often not as bad as they seem if you take the conversation as a whole but I have serious doubts that this sound bite was taken out of context for shock value. I simply cannot bear to watch the whole interview for fear I might chuck the computer out the window. Also the response by the guy interviewing her leads me to believe that this clip is an accurate portrayal of Lizzie Poo's views.

Now this interview started out bad and very quick spiraled to beyond worse. Discussing a report by the military that sexual assault was up 64% Liz made the following vile comments
-Now, what did they expect, these people, being in such close contact
-the military is wasting money providing preventative and support services to women who are now being raped too much
-I thought the mission of the military was to defend and protect us (meaning non combatants) not those fighting the war*

*This is by far my most favorite line

And when the interviewer tries to make a suggestion that I think is a life line intended to get bring her back from the edge she shuts him up by saying "Oh, look that's a nice try Eric. These women want to be victims and warriors"

I was utterly speechless and befuddled by the words coming out of her mouth. If you want to be offended simply google Liz Trotta views on rape. Then let's discuss...

It's been a while...holidays, work, etc, etc, etc, the usual excuses....So on Sunday JoePa passed away and it made me think about the whole Penn State horrific state of affairs. I previously voiced my opinion on this subject - probably more than once - but with JoePa's death a new perspective came to mind. How sad it is that this legendary coach - who on the outside displaced such pose and certitude in his convictions will ALWAYS have the tragic events involving Sandusky associated with his name. Every AP story I read yesterday and today has an unspoken astrix behind the legendary Paterno name ... 'Penn State coach Joe Paterno has passed away (you know the guy who let a pedophile roam free due to his convoluted moral code)'. It truly makes me sad. Had he only done what was right for the community at large and not the community of Penn State his name could have carried this headline - 'JoePa, legendary Penn State coach - and the man credited with ending the reign of a pedophile coach - has passed away...Paterno will be remembered not only for his skill and commitment to coaching but for blowing the whistle on his one time assistant and ending the abuse of children at Sandusky's hands' ....if only this were true... Rest in Peace Coach for I would like to believe that your mind and heart needs peace from the seemingly callous decision you made all those long years ago.